I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
