An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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