i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
