38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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