You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
