I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She's the barista slut.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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