sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
