Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
