Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
