Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
