On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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