I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
