Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
