So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
one might say we're banned from that church
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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