Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
