Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
