And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
