Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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