She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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