things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It's official drugs can't kill me
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
