So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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