Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
PANTIES FOUND
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