My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
