i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I checked into jail on foursquare
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize