I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize