I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
