Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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