I swear she didn't look like that last week.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
