I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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