Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
