Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
