Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
