I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
