My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm too high and old for this...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
