Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
