I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
