I wish my penis had an off switch
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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