You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
