isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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