wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
