Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
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