This house was built for laser tag.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
