Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
