apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
