Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
