I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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