I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
