If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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