she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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