Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
