things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
