wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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