how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
