I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
