If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
