I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he was CRYING into my vagina
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
