I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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