Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
