Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
