the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
