I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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