i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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