We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
