I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize