So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
