Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
