then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
