His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Everclear isn't food dammit
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
